


You Can Hold My Hand If No One's Home

by ifiOnlyhadmorePaper



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Closeted Character, Closeted Relationship, F/F, Happiest Season AU, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Manipulation, Toxic Relationship, endgame bechloe, hometowns and terrible sibling dynamic, mitchsen is not endgame, no endgame mitchsen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:32:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27856813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper/pseuds/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper
Summary: happiest season auhttps://ifionlyhadmorepaper.tumblr.com/post/636021680800694272/you-can-hold-my-hand-if-no-ones-homefollow me on tumblr @ifionlyhadmorepaper
Relationships: Beca Mitchell/Aubrey Posen, Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell
Comments: 72
Kudos: 102





	1. I'll let you set the pace, 'cause I'm not thinking straight

**Author's Note:**

> just a warning: if mitchsen is your otp, this isn't for you. the mitchsen here has no happy ending, and this story ends with bechloe. the mitchsen relationship is toxic, and chloe makes beca happy. if you are content with bechloe, carry on and i hope you like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from love me like you do by ellie goulding

* * *

Beca tilted her head up at the lights, illuminating the houses around her, as they walked down the street in the chill of the night. Her nose was cold as ice, and the only thing keeping her warm was Aubrey's hand firmly clamped in her own. She looked at her, seeing the thrum of color reflecting in her hazel eyes, and the way her mouth was opened slightly in wonder. Beca didn’t enjoy being outside in the cold -- it made her hands ache and her muscles stiff -- but with Aubrey, it was bearable for a time. Mostly because Beca thought she was beautiful in the warm glow of the Christmas lights and snow, and she did what Aubrey asked of her. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” Beca sighed, blowing warm air into her closed fist.

“Are you?” Aubrey asked, her tone shifting away from playful to slightly worried.

“Of course, it’s just a little cold,”

“Here,” Aubrey unwrapped her scarf from her own neck and looped it around Beca's.

"Thanks," Beca smiled, gratefully. Aubrey looked at her and grinned, glancing at a completely decorated balcony at the house two houses down the street from where they walked.

"Come on," Aubrey tugged her hand, and led her in a light jog in that direction.

"What are you doing?"" Beca asked suspiciously, feeling her mouth curve into a smile as she followed. They stopped in front of the metal ladder leading up to the balcony -- a _private_ balcony -- and Beca watched Aubrey begin to climb. "Babe! What are you doing?" she hissed.

"Don't be a chicken, come on,"

"Dude, this is someone's house," Aubrey kept climbing and Beca sighed, shaking her head at thoughts of being arrested ( _again_ ). Aubrey stood at the railing, and looked at Beca, with a teasing and knowing smile.

“See? Isn’t it better than walking around? You can see it all up here.”

“Yeah,” Beca nodded and looked over the houses lining the street. Suddenly, a wave of sadness fell over her face. It was her sixth Christmas without her mother; she had Lupus, and the day she passed away left Beca devastated -- lost, even. It had only been her and her mother for as long as she could remember -- she had no one else, her relatives were all estranged, and her circle of friends was not a circle (just one man she'd known for years). Now, it was her and Aubrey (and sometimes that man).

“Hey!” Beca had no more time to think about it because a woman's voice yelled from behind the window she and Aubrey stood in front of. “Get out of here! I’m calling the police!” Beca turned around to see a woman clad in a Mrs. Claus role playing outfit, and a man in a reindeer costume, her jaw dropped and the woman began to open the window when Aubrey grabbed her arm again.

“Come on!” She clambered down the ladder as fast as she could, hearing the front door behind them opening, they both ran in no particular direction until the voices behind them were inaudible. Beca panted as they approached an alley, she leaned her back against the brick, and Aubrey leaned on the wall with both her arms on either side of Beca’s head.

"I love you,"

"I love you too," Aubrey leaned her mouth down to kiss her, but she hovered over Beca's mouth -- their lips barely brushing -- and she whispered: "Come home with me for Christmas." Beca barely had time to register anything with the way Aubrey's body fell against her own. Aubrey's touch felt charged and her lips were aggressive (like the rest of her personality) and Beca was so swept up in the dominance Aubrey had over her, over everything, that she forgot to breathe.

"What?" Beca asked, after their kiss broke apart. Aubrey leaned her head on Beca's, and Beca nuzzled her nose against Aubrey's for a moment. 

"I don't like you being alone for Christmas," Aubrey said with a pout, "Come home with me?"

"And meet your parents?" Beca asked, still dazed from the adrenaline Aubrey gives her. Aubrey nodded, and bit her lip, and Beca looked at the way her forehead creased with wrinkles and her eyes shone with vulnerability. She couldn't say no.

"Yeah, okay," Beca whispered back. Aubrey squealed and kissed her with such ferocity that Beca could only grasp the back of her jacket -- as they stood huddled in a partially lit alley.

* * *

Beca woke to sunlight bouncing off the three white walls of Aubrey's loft. Aubrey slept soundly on Beca's bare chest, and Beca looked down at her -- seeing no signs of worry like she did when she was awake. She appeared so peaceful, in the midst of the loud and chaotic noises coming from the streets below. Beca raised her hand to the ceiling, feeling the sharp chill of the morning, and then the soft warmth of the sun she craved so much. It always felt so distant, especially now in the winter.

Beca decided to not spend too long in bed, she carefully extracted her shoulder from under Aubrey's head and padded down to the kitchen -- clad in fuzzy, light blue socks, and a long sleeve tee that smelled like Aubrey's shampoo. She and Aubrey hadn't been together very long, it had only been eight months (six and a half, if she didn't include the time before they'd made it official), and a buzz of excitement rang under her skin at the thought of meeting her girlfriend's parents. Beca always got along very well with other people's parents, it was something she was just good at. It couldn't go in any other direction, except the right one.

Beca filled the kettle and set it to boil, as she leaned against the counter to stare at a picture of Aubrey's family. She usually had very little to say, her oldest sister had a family, and the second oldest was "very eccentric," no other explanations were offered. No anecdotes, no childhood memories -- though to be fair, Beca hadn't shared much about her own family either. 

Beca thought about going home with Aubrey, as she ate a banana, and how this Christmas would be different, but after too long, the smell of hospital antiseptics and the images of dying daffodils filled her senses. She swallowed thickly, and set her banana down on a cutting board -- unable to finish it. The kettle began to whistle and Beca pulled out a box of Peppermint tea. "Beca?" she heard Aubrey calling from her room. Beca poured water over two tea bags, as she watched Aubrey descend the spiral stairs that led up to the loft. "There you are,"

"Here I am," Beca said, somewhat sarcastically.

"What are you up to?"

"I don't know, I guess I just woke up excited,"

"Babe, you know how much I love tea," Aubrey cooed and Beca nodded with something of a smirk on her face. "Thank you," Aubrey wrapped her arms around her neck. Beca moved her face to kiss her, and Aubrey backed out and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Sorry, B, morning breath,"

"Ah, gotcha," Beca said, slightly, "So, Georgia, huh?" she asked in efforts to steer the morning in a better direction.

"What?" Aubrey's voice became tight and almost shocked, as if they hadn't talked about going to her hometown the night before.

"Your parents, they live in Georgia don't they?" Aubrey nodded, wordlessly, "I'm kind of really excited, babe-"

"You don't have to come, if it, like, imposes on any plans you have…" Aubrey offered.

"It's totally not 'imposing on any plans,'" Beca mocked, trying to pull a laugh out of her girlfriend, but instead Aubrey shot her an awkward smile and raised eyebrows that didn't match her enthusiasm at all, "I mean… unless you don't want me to come?" Beca asked tentatively, hoping she wouldn't have to spend all her time doing not festive things, and not finding a family to participate with in festive things. 

"Of course, I want you to come…" Aubrey left the end of her sentence trailing, as if she'd say more, but instead she said nothing else. She offered a small smile,and Beca nodded.

"Okay, I'll make sure to stop by mine and pack a bag then."

* * *

"Wow, her parents? Big steps, Becs." Benji commented, flatly, and Beca watched him stare intently at his phone. He never looked up, to meet her eyes, he was always generally distracted, but never dismissive.

"Okay, dude, what are you doing?"

"I left a them in my apartment, and I'm making sure _they_ leave." Beca chuckled and tilted her head in amusement.

"What do you mean? Did you set up cameras in our apartment, or something?" She took a long drink from her coffee cup.

"No, I'm tracking them," Benji replied, so nonchalantly that he could've been listing off their grocery list -- and when she thought about what he'd actually said, she opened her eyes wide and swallowed hard.

"You're _tracking_ them?"

"Hey, you know what?" Benji still had not looked at her, "If the NSA can do it, so can I,"

"Fair point,"

"And you never seem to mind when I come get you from bars when you drunk text me-"

" _That's_ how you find me?" She exclaimed.

"And they're gone!" He whisper-yelled victoriously, finally, he set his phone face down on the table and looked at her with a cheerful smile. He was met with a mixture of horror, and blatant fear, but he clicked his tongue and shook his head at her, "I feel judgement from you, and I feel your assessments on my character, so you can pay for your own coffee,"

"I'm paying for yours too?" Benji sipped slowly on his iced coffee and nodded.

"Thank you for that, by the way,"

As they left, Benji briefed her on all the things that could possibly go wrong if she met Aubrey's parents (as if she hadn't already been thinking about them). "What if they're homophobic, Beca?"

"Well, that can't be right, she told them and they're fine," Beca nodded, recalling Aubrey's adorable excitement that day. 

"Okay, but what if they're not 'hate-crime homophobic,' but they're 'don't-ask-don't-tell homophobic?'"

"I don't know, man," Beca grumbled, and picked at her cuticles, "I just want them to like me,"

"You're acting as if they have to like you for you to date Aubrey, which is, like, _feeding_ the patriarchy," Benji came to a half stop, slowing down for a moment.

"Okay, there is nothing wrong with wanting a little acceptance from the people who made your S.O.."

"Why should it matter?"

"What if she decides I'm not good enough?" Beca couldn't look in his direction. Instead, she kept her eyes on the always-moving crowd before them.

"Why do you need validation from people you don't know?" _Where else would I get it?_ She didn't answer, instead, she locked eyes with her destination and turned into the door.

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"I have an appointment,"

"What's the name?" Beca could hear Benji beside her asking questions.

"Beca Mitchell,"

"Okay, great! Someone will be down to show you the space," The woman behind the desk smiled and Beca stood close to the bench across the room.

"Beca, are you moving out and not telling me?" Benji gasped.

"Okay, I'm literally just looking,"

"You're gonna ask her to move in!"

"Benji, we're inside, inside voices -- please." Beca internally rolled her eyes at herself for using "inside voices."

"Okay, but seriously, yes or no?"

"Yes, yes, okay?"

"Thank you," Beca rolled her eyes and looked toward the real estate agent approaching them with a large and shiny smile. The kind that screams "I Love Teeth Cleanings And Dental Floss."

"Hi, Beca Mitchell?"

"Yeah, we spoke on the phone,"

"Anderson, nice to meet you," He shook her hand and glanced at Benji, with the same unmoving smile. "You must be her boyfriend,"

"Yikes," Beca muttered through a shiny smile, to mirror the realtors.

* * *

Beca loaded her suitcase into the back of Aubrey's car. Aubrey was quiet for most of the morning, but Beca chalked it up to nerves from going back home (and introducing Beca as her girlfriend). The both of them got into the car, and started driving, it hadn't been long -- almost forty minutes -- but it was still a long, silence-filled ride. Beca always associated that silence with anger. Was Aubrey angry that she was coming? Had she changed her mind and decided Beca shouldn't come? When she thought about it, Aubrey hadn't seemed as eager as when she asked. Beca shook her head, and looked at Aubrey, who's knuckles were tightly wrapped around the steering wheel. "I'm really good with parents,"

"What?" Aubrey jumped slightly, Beca grimaced at how she blurted out after more than thirty minutes of a quiet drive.

"If that's what you're worried about," Beca offered, "I'm good with parents, I usually get along with them pretty well. They always like me."

"I'm not worried about that," her laugh sounded uncomfortable, and anxious, and Beca wasn't convinced that she wasn't nervous.

"Bullshit," Beca chuckled, "It'll be fine, trust me, I'll have them eating out of the palm of my hand, they'll love me so much, Aubs." Before she could finish her sentence, Aubrey was pulling over to the side of the road -- the gravel crunched under the tires, and the brakes of the car groaned slightly.

"Okay, so, there's something I have to tell you,"

"Okay…" Beca hesitated, turning her body to rest awkwardly against the car door so she could face Aubrey.

"Remember when I told my parents, and it went _so_ well?" her voice hitched up, and Beca's stomach coiled, it didn't sound like it went " _so_ well." 

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, it…" Aubrey filled her cheeks with air and let it out, her lips making a motorboat sound. "It… didn't?" Beca swallowed, feeling more uneasy by the second. Aubrey could _not_ be telling her that her parents were _homophobic_.

"It didn't go well? They didn't approve or whatever?" Aubrey shook her head with a tight smile, the kind she used when she had to cancel plans. The kind she used to politely ask Beca how long she was staying at her apartment, but really she was asking when she was leaving.

"No…" Aubrey closed her eyes, and her hands flew over her face, she began to talk through her hands, but Beca couldn't understand a single word she was saying.

"Babe, what are you saying?"

"I…" Aubrey put her hands down, her cheeks were flushed, and she gnawed her lip nervously, and Beca was totally unsure of what she could do to comfort her -- after seeing the fear in Aubrey's eyes she began to panic -- and when people were upset, Beca was suddenly socially inept. "I didn't tell them."

"About us?"

"About anything." Beca nodded at nothing. Her head bobbed, and her head swam, was she just going to tell them when they walked through the door? What were they going to say? _"Hey, mom, dad, this is my girlfriend Beca, please wait to be homophobic until after Christmas, thanks."_ That wouldn't work. She was hit with nausea, and she could feel a bead of sweat dripping down her neck (she wasn't even sure if it was from the vent blowing hot air at her, or the bombshell Aubrey dropped). "Say something, Beca…" Aubrey pleaded.

"So," she rasped, and cleared her throat, "When you say it didn't, you really mean it _didn't_?" Aubrey nodded, "Can I ask why?"

"My dad… he's running for mayor, and when I was gonna do it, he told us that he was running, and…" Aubrey shook her head, "It didn't seem like a good time."

"Okay," Beca sighed, and put her head in her hands, "I gotta- I- should I go home?"

"No!" Aubrey reassured, but that didn't reassure Beca at all, "No, it'll just be a little hard,"

"Yeah, no shit." Beca turned her body forward, "And they don't know anything? At all?"

"No,"

"Well, shit, what are we gonna do?" 

"I don't know,"

"Are you gonna tell them when we get there?"

"I don't know,"

"Then what-"

"Christ, Beca, I don't _know,_ " Aubrey snapped, "Look, we just have to wait and see, okay?" Beca just looked at her. She looked so desperate, and usually she only looked desperate when Beca wouldn't give her what she needed, and she supposed it was the same thing, just a different context, either way Beca found it hard to agree to what Aubrey was asking her. Aubrey unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over the center console, and her hands smoothed over her neck as she lowered her lips down onto Beca's. Her kiss flooded Beca's mind, she could only move her hands up to hold Aubrey by her sides, she gasped when she moved her lips suggestively across her jaw. "Please, baby?" 

"Aubrey-" Beca whispered. Aubrey lips clamped down firmly on the hollow of her throat, "Fuck,"

"Please?"

"Okay," Beca closed her eyes and before she could expect Aubrey to continue, she stopped and hummed.

"Thank you," She pressed a chaste kiss to her lips, and buckled her seatbelt again. Beca just looked at her, her eyes locked on the road and her mirrors, as she started the car and pulled off the side of the road again -- taking the freeway to Georgia.

* * *


	2. I'll be alone by myself tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from all alone by acid ghost

* * *

Beca couldn't stop wringing her fingers together. She was itching just to have something to do, she looked at Aubrey, knowing she couldn't touch her this week, and that only made her want to do it more (she figured she should probably start restraining herself now so it'd be easier later). It seemed bizarre, and she wished Aubrey had just told her the timing wasn't right.

Beca let it roll over her shoulder, as they pulled into a driveway lined with bushes and trees covered in warm, white Christmas lights that matched the ones lining the roof and windows of the house. "Here we are,"

"Yeah," Beca's voice was low and generally unenthusiastic about being dragged back into a closet that she had outgrown. If it meant that Aubrey could be happy and comfortable, she knew she'd be trying her best because she loved Aubrey, and it wasn't easy, Beca knew that much.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Aubrey smiled at her, and Beca lolled her head to look at her, her eyes were absolutely filled with emotions that didn't scream "fine" they almost screamed for help actually, but after a long drive, they were beyond help.

Her childhood home was elegant, it was obvious that someone in the house was very specific -- so specific and elegant that Beca felt out of her element -- their rugs all looked new and never stepped on. A crystal chandelier hung above her head, over a small, round table with a large bowl of potpourri and scented pine cones. She could see her own reflection on every surface, and before she could look up at the staircase she was bumped into a _very_ expensive looking vase (that she luckily caught before it fell over). "Shit!" Beca exclaimed, trying to get a good grip on the vase so it didn't slip from her clammy hands.

" _Beca_ ," Aubrey scolded in a low tone, as she stood in the arms of who she could only assume was her sister, Charlie. 

"I missed you _so much_!" Charlie's voice was loud, and so full, and simply happy. Her voice was a full-belly laugh, it sounded so genuine. "I have been _literally_ counting down to Christmas so I could see you!"

"I missed you too!" Aubrey's voice became soft, if she'd been nervous before it was lessened now. She appeared to be perfectly in her element with her sister, she had a slot perfectly fit to her and Beca watched her decompress. "How have you been?"

" _So good_ , I can't _wait_ to tell you about my novel! Can I tell you n-" Charlie's voice stopped abruptly, as their hug rotated and her eyes landed on Beca -- who stood awkwardly, still holding the vase like a football in both of her hands. "I'm sorry! I didn't even see you there! I'm Charlie!" The speed at which she quickly released Aubrey from her hold to stand in front of Beca was slightly frightening, but endearing. "Well, Charlotte, actually," She laughed, "I never liked Charlotte though, it sounds too stuffy, but you can call me Charlie, Char, C, dude, bro, just don't call me late for dinner," She laughed, talking with her hands. She finally stopped and just looked at Beca expectantly, with a large smile.

"Hi, I'm Beca," Beca tried to match her enthusiasm the best way she could, "It's totally cool, I was just admiring your vase," Beca smirked and wiggled the vase in her hands before placing it back on it's display, _very_ carefully. "It's really nice to meet you," Beca stuck her hand out for a handshake.

"It's nice to meet you too! Can I hug you?" Beca wasn't given a moment to answer.

"She's not big on hugs, sorry, Charlie," Aubrey explained. Charlotte began to nod, and Beca felt as if she ruined something.

"It's cool," Beca shook her head, in effort to fix the atmosphere. Charlie's arms came around her, and squeezed firmly -- Beca was surprised that she didn't hate it -- it was comforting. Actually comforting.

"Just not too tight, she's very small," Aubrey teased. Beca lifted her middle finger up for Aubrey to see before Charlie let her go.

"Okay, okay, I won't break your friend," Beca felt more at ease, like she wasn't being thrown to the wolves. "So, how do you two know each other?"

"We actually-"

"Aubrey! You're here!" Aubrey's mother called from the top of the stairs, as she fixed a pearl earring. "It's so good to see you," she came down the rug covered steps, Beca barely heard a foot fall, she practically floated. She picked up Aubrey's hand and held it in hers. She immediately noticed Beca, and Beca knew because her eyes flickered back and forth between her and Aubrey since she came down the stairs. "Who's this?" 

"Mom, this is my friend Beca," _ouch_ , she thought. She knew it was silly to be hurt, it was what she agreed to, yet the thought of being introduced as a friend and nothing more for the remainder of the trip made Beca suddenly aware of every splinter and crack. "I brought her along because she didn't have anywhere to go for the holidays," Aubrey looked at her, with a guilty face that made Beca's spit taste sour.

"Oh, dear, where's her family?" Aubrey's mother asked her, instead of asking Beca who was less than five feet away. 

"Her mom died a while ago," Aubrey explained quietly, even though she was still standing _less than five feet away._

"Oh," She said, sadly, and finally acknowledged Beca, "I'm so sorry to hear that you're an orphan, hi, I'm Gail,"

"Oh, my god, that's so terrible, I had no idea, you are _so_ brave," Charlie's smile fell into a more serious and upset frown.

"It's okay, it was, like, five years ago," Beca said, apologetically, wanting to stop talking about her late mother. She smiled, and tried to ignore the iciness sprouting in her chest. "Um, I'm Beca, by the way," She held her hand out to Gail.

"Charlotte, please wipe that vase, it's got smudges," Aubrey's mother glanced over Beca's shoulder to give instructions to Charlie, who stood slightly behind her. Aubrey's mother made eye contact with her again, flashing a smile that reminded Beca of the real estate agent she'd met with earlier in the week, "Well, Beca, you're more than welcome here, we'll give you a tour,"

* * *

"This is Aubrey's room," the wall paper was a barely-pink color and had darker pink creating pinstripes all around the room, and a large cream shag rug laid under her bed and stretched to cover the center of the room. All her small shelves were lined with pictures of Aubrey and her friends, and small knick-knacks like the gold, white, and pink, porcelain, carousel horse music box.

On her bedside table, more interestingly, sat a framed picture of Aubrey and her date to prom. She could tell by the uncomfortable pose, the classic elbow-hold pose everyone was forced to do before they left their houses. Beca stared at the picture for so long, she was sure she was burning a hole in it the same way a magnifying glass would. She averted her eyes and as soon as she looked anywhere else, she spotted a poster of Chad Michael Murray hanging on the inside of her closet door.

As they moved into the room, Beca tried to keep her amusement to herself, but a small smirk broke through as she thought of the time Aubrey confessed her celebrity crush had always been Drew Barrymore. "Hot, right?" Charlie leaned against the door, lightly touching the poster. 

"Yeah," Beca nodded, "Loved him in _Freaky Friday_ ,"

"Me too! He was such a good bad boy," Charlie hummed, her eyes still locked on the poster.

"Oh, Aubrey, honey," Beca looked at Gail, watching her pick up the frame from her nightstand and hand it to Aubrey, "Jesse's here in town, and he's _single_ ," she sang.

"Mom!" Aubrey whined, "Put that down, please,"

"Okay, okay, come along -- we're almost done anyway," Aubrey looked at Beca, she looked tired and her shoulders appeared to fall forward. Beca smiled, sadly, and looked pointedly at Charlie as she and Gail left the room. Aubrey walked out first, and Beca trailed after. 

They arrived in another room that was lined with trophies, blue ribbons, and so many other awards it seemed more like a trophy room than a bedroom. "This is my oldest daughter's, she'll be here later," 

"That's a lot of stuff," Beca leaned against the doorway, not wanting to step inside on the polished wood floor.

"Yes, Madelyn, had many extracurriculars," Beca watched the woman talk, "She got into Harvard, for law school, _and graduated_ , but then she gave it up to have babies," her voice tightened and her smiled grew wider, though her words weren't filled with pride, "And make edible arrangements, instead,"

"Mom, Maddy makes gift baskets," Charlie corrected.

"It's the same thing," the words were forced through clenched teeth. Quickly, she quickly turned around, the expression on her face back to the way it had been before arriving at Madelyn's room. "Charlie will go ahead, and show you where you're sleeping, Beca," Gail said as she glanced down at the sparkling watch on her wrist.

"Is it almost time for dinner already?" Aubrey asked, hopeful.

"Yes, and I'd like to get a picture in front of the tree before we leave, it's for your father's campaign." 

Beca followed Charlie back the way they'd come, looking over her shoulder every chance she got until she couldn't see Aubrey or Gail anymore. She and Charlie walked all the way down in the basement. The _basement_. Charlie talked the entire time about the plans for the week, and Beca had no problem being social, but all of these plans sounded exhausting -- mostly because Beca knew she and Aubrey wouldn't get to be together until after all of them. "This is it! It's my old room,"

"Nice digs," Beca nodded.

"Thanks, I used to have night terrors and sometimes I'd lock the door," Charlie nodded, with the same enthusiasm. "Memories," Beca had no idea what to say next. She rolled her suitcase over to the chair on the other side of the bed. There were storage shelves against the wall closest to the door, filled with totes and binders, the bed was out of place in the room, and there were few posters, a dry erase board, and a cork board with names and arrows that only looked illegible because of how tired she was. Nothing else gave any indication that they were in a bedroom, other than the small collection of Charlie's things.

"Thanks for showing me down here," Beca smiled.

"Oh, yeah, for sure," Charlie nodded, "Let me know if you need anything, or just wanna hang out! I play a mean game of _Scrabble_!" 

"I will," Beca watched Charlie walk back to the stairs of the basement, until she was gone. Beca threw herself back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. Her phone chimed, and Beca held it over her face to see a text message from Aubrey sitting on her lock screen. 

_aubs (5:45 p.m.): i miss you already_

Beca smiled and reread the words until they were blurry.

_aubs (5:49 p.m.): i miss your lips_

Beca poked her tongue out of her mouth to moisten her lips, at the thought of Aubrey's against them.

_beca (5:50 p.m.): come get them?_

She waited a full three seconds before Aubrey texted her back.

_aubs (5:50 p.m.): soon_

Beca let out a heavy sigh, "Soon."

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hey, Benji,"

"Beca, how are her parents? Are they homophobic?" Beca hesitated to answer, unsure if she should tell him her dilemma or not, "Oh, god, they _are_!"

"No, no, no," Beca rushed, "They-"

"Oh, thank god, so what are they like?" Beca put her hand on her forehead.

"Good, good, not homophobic, well…" She paused and looked at the door to make sure it was closed. "They might be homophobic-"

" _What?_ " Benji exclaimed, she had to pull the phone away from her ear, his voice unintentionally boomed through the speaker.

"Because they don't know that me and Aubrey are dating," She explained, and her face scrunched up. Benji had gone so quiet, Beca checked if he was still on the line. 

"Beca," Benji finally said, "Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah, why?" Beca rushed her words together.

"I know how hard it is to be in the closet, Beca, especially since you've come so far,"

"It's okay, just as long as Aubrey's happy, you know?"

"Is Aubrey… did she put you up to this?"

"No, Ben, she didn't," her voice became exasperated, she walked back and forth in front of the shelves, "We agreed on it, and I think it'll make us stronger," she wasn't sure if she actually believed that.

"Oh, yes, because lying and sneaking around is _so_ healthy,"

"Shouldn't you be, like, I don't know, _supporting me_ instead of judging me?" 

"I'm not judging you, I just think you're being reckless and making bad choices, and you should feel bad about it,"

"Yeah," Beca rolled her eyes, "Okay, dude, I have to go anyways -- we're going to dinner."

"Have fun with your hetero-normativity!" Beca rolled her eyes and ended the call. She sank down on the bed, and ran a hand through her hair

"Beca!" Gail caller from the basement stairs, "We're leaving in twenty minutes!"

"I'll be right up!" Beca answered. Beca looked at her phone screen, seeing her own weary reflection. "I got this,"

They stood in front of the Christmas tree. Gail's face looked more pinched than earlier in the evening, her eyes were filled with anything but glee. "Alright, you're here, get your coats; Charlotte, your father is fussing with his instantgram, go see about it, please,"

"Yes, ma'am!" Charlie saluted, running out of the room up the stairs to his office.

"Aubrey, your sister isn't coming until tomorrow." Gail's voice was irritated, and her cheeks were beet red.

"What? Why?" 

"Because they got tied up at work, _or whatever that's supposed to mean_!" Thundering steps sounded through the entire house, until Charlie finally came into view again.

"Hey, what did I miss?" she breathed, her chest still heaving.

"Your sister ruined Christmas," Gail grumbled.

"Who did?"

"Honey?" Aubrey's father appeared into the living room. Unlike Aubrey, and her mother, he had dark (almost black) hair with patches of gray on the sides and brown eyes. His smile was just as big as theirs, but twice as shiny. "Can you help with this?" His light blue tie hung around his neck, untied and wrinkled. 

"Here," She aggressively yanked him by both ends of the tie and furiously worked to tie it.

"You must be Bella-"

"Beca," she corrected.

"Beca! Yes, hello, I'm John," he held her hand and Gail tightened his tie before she stepped away. He put his hand on her shoulder and his expression became grave. "I'm so sorry -- it must've been hard living in an orphanage knowing you have a father out there." Beca's eyes grew wide and she stammered.

"I, um, I was eighteen when she died, so I didn't live in an orphanage,"

"One of the lucky ones," He said with a heavy breath, still firmly holding her hand. There was absolutely no time to unpack that.

* * *

They arrived at the restaurant, and Beca could only shove her hands deeper in her pockets. She watched Aubrey ahead of her, and the way her silky, blonde hair swished back and forth over her black sweater. She was between her mother and father, Charlie was parking the car, so Beca walked alone while Aubrey caught up with her parents. It had been so long since she'd seen them, Beca could understand, and she smiled at the way she was interacting with them. It was so nice to be with a family again for Christmas.

They waited to be seated, and Beca stood there, unable to think of anything else except her mother. They used to make ornaments from paper and coffee stirrers while she was in the hospital. The older Beca got, the harder she tried to make things nicer. Up until the end, things were as nice as they could be -- given that her mother's organs were failing and she was withering away right before her eyes. Christmas has been a really vacant holiday since then, almost as if every single one was the same as walking into their empty apartment with the bag of her mother's belongings. She remembered how cold it had been because neither of them had been home long enough to run the heater. There had been no food in the refrigerator, and their tree still sat in it's dusty box. She didn't put up the tree that year.

"Beca? Beca, are you okay?" Beca blinked rapidly and looked at Aubrey, who had her hand clamped around her bicep, and her eyes fixed on Beca's face.

"Yeah, yeah," She choked out, "Fine,"

"Come on," Aubrey gestured toward the dining area and Beca followed.

They were brought to a round table, in the middle of the room, and as everyone shrugged out of their coats to hang them on their chairs, Aubrey began to sputter. " _Jesse_?"

"Hey," Beca glanced at him, he looked almost (if not exactly) like the picture of him in Aubrey's bedroom.

"Jesse! What a surprise to see you!"

"Well, you said six-"

"Sit, sit! I'm sure Beca wouldn't mind scooting over!" Beca nodded, unable to speak still, she moved a space and realized that there was no chair. "Can we get an extra chair?" Gail whispered to the server. Beca waited and looked at Jesse, his grin was charming and boyish. Telling by the way he looked at Aubrey, he still thought of her (still had feelings for her probably) and all Beca could do was clench her fist at her side, and keep a neutral face. She could pretend to be fine, and then eventually she would actually be fine, she just needed to ride the wave and shake his hand.

"Hey, I'm Jesse,"

"Beca," her smile was probably too friendly, and too big, but so was everyone else's.

"Charmed," He winked at her, and sat down. A waiter brought a chair for her, an obviously shorter chair, and Beca lowered herself down, chest level to the table. She could do this, it would be fine. Charlie slinked into the chair next to her, and smiled before turning her eyes to Jesse. "How do you know Aubrey?"

"School," Aubrey answered for her. Beca tried to keep her confusion inside. They hadn't met until at least two months before they started dating, at a party Benji took her to. She knew they had to wait until after Christmas, Beca understood that, but what she didn't understand was why Aubrey was saying she went to Columbia with her when she never even walked through the doors of a college. Was she ashamed of her?

"Very cool, Columbia girls, huh?" Beca had been accepted at Juilliard, right before her mother became hospital bound. She hadn't even had the chance to pick her classes.

"Yeah…" Beca said weakly.

"I'll tell you, Jesse, these girls could teach _me_ a thing or two," John winked at her, and his smile seemed to never leave his face. 

"Jesse, remember the book I'm writing?" Charlie asked excitedly.

"Kind of," he hesitated, knowing that she was going to give a total recap of it.

"I just finished writing, I just have to send it to a publisher or two…" the conversation bounced around from Jesse and Aubrey (the "golden days," Gail called it) and how _good_ they were -- even though it was awkward because it was over, and she didn't know that Aubrey was _gay_ ; John talked with Jesse about his campaign, and about how "I'm all about the people, Jesse, I'm woke -- like the kids say," and Charlie gave the entire table a not-so-brief synopsis of her novel and explaining each character in great detail; no one talked to Beca.

"I'm gonna run to the ladies," Beca said, to no one. The conversation continued, it didn't stop, she backed away, and when she was far enough she looked over her shoulder to see that no one saw her leave. She stared at them, all of them, laughing and chatting, their table looked perfect (minus the random, and out-of-place chair). It was perfect, unless she was sitting there among them. 

She stood at the sinks, staring at herself. She closed her eyes, and breathed. It was too much, the parents, the ex-boyfriend, the college talk, Beca wanted to freeze. She wanted it to stop. "You'd think they would've figured it out since you only packed your gay clothes," Beca opened her eyes, to see Aubrey coming to stand behind her. Her smile was sweet and her arms were loose around her waist, Beca laughed and shook her head.

"Maybe because _someone_ hasn't told them yet," she teased.

"I will soon," Aubrey rested her chin on the dip of her shoulder. Beca turned in her arms, to kiss her, when the bathroom door opened. Beca coughed and Aubrey shot back at least three feet. A red-haired woman appeared, her eyes were extremely blue -- almost unrealistically blue -- and her lips were light pink and opened in surprise. 

"Am I interrupting something? I'm sorry," She apologized sweetly. Beca looked between her and Aubrey, noticing the tension. 

"Chloe, it's nice to see you," Aubrey's voice was quiet again, unlike the kind she uses with Beca, or the kind she used with her parents, it had subtle undertones that Beca couldn't ignore.

"You too," Chloe nodded, and Beca could not believe what was happening. She couldn't believe that it was her life and not an episode of _Grey's Anatomy_. "If I could just…"

"Yeah, yeah-"

"Gotta fix my lipstick." Chloe muttered, moving around Aubrey and standing beside her at the sink.

"I'll be at the table, Beca," Aubrey rushed out of the bathroom, and Beca stood there -- staring at the basin -- trying not to look at Chloe. She pumped soap into her hand and began to wash them, just to. Chloe fixed her lipstick in silence, and Beca stood there noticing that she didn't look as stiff as Aubrey did before leaving. With that knowledge, Beca agreed to straighten her posture, and look at Chloe through the mirror. 

"That's a really pretty shade," Beca said, trying to make polite conversation while they stood in the empty bathroom.

"Thanks, want some?" Chloe replied, kindly. Beca shook her head and wiped bits of mascara from under her eye. "I just got it today,"

"I can't wear lipstick, I always feel funny about it," Beca chuckled, "I never feel comfy in any shade," Beca pushed her hair back and adjusted her navy blue, dress shirt. She pulled her sleeves down — jingling some of her bracelets in the process — just to re-fold them for no reason.

"Such a shame, you have really nice lips for it," Beca blushed, and cleared her throat, trying not to react.

"Thank you," She murmured, as she struggled to fold her left sleeve again.

"Here," Chloe suddenly lifted her arm and began to fold the sleeve, all while glancing up at Beca with a smile that wasn't exaggerated. Her hands were warm, like sunbeams, not sweaty, and not hot, just warm.

"Thanks," Beca whispered. Her hair was curled to perfection, and her makeup was immaculate, everything was down to a tee. Chloe was absolutely stunning, and Beca felt as if she were smaller than she already was.

"All good," Chloe chirped.

"I should get back to my table," Beca said, as if they would look for her if she were gone for too long.

"Alright, I'll let you go," Chloe winked. Beca awkwardly waved, and made her way to the door. "Beca?" Chloe began, shyly. She said Beca's name as if they were old friends -- she didn't need to sound friendly, like others seemed to, at least from Beca's experience. 

"Sup?" She waited with her hand on the handle.

"If you…" She trailed off, and darted her eyes around the room, "I'm sorry if this is out of line, but if you treat something like a secret, it'll start to feel wrong." Beca looked at her, the back of her neck was hot, and she was sure her ears were red.

"You mean me and Aubrey?" She blurted. 

"You and Aubrey?" Chloe's eyebrows quirked, as if Beca confessed. She internally kicked herself.

"No, no, we're just friends," Beca felt as if she were being assessed, like in teachers observations, "I'm just her friend, I came 'cause I'm an orphan -- just Aubrey's orphan friend." She felt like she could just throw herself out of a window.

"Okay, Aubrey's orphan friend," Chloe said with amusement. "Take it easy," Beca saluted her, for what reason? Beca had no clue, but she hated it. She left the bathroom in a scurry, like the faster she walked, the faster the entire exchange would erase itself. When she sat in her pitiful chair again, she noticed that Aubrey was engaged in a small (and quiet) conversation with Jesse, with a fond smile playing on her lips. Gail snapped a picture of them with her _iPad_ , and John was speaking with Charlie about why she should get into something more than her novel (which Beca scoffed at because what kind of advice was that?) She sighed, and played with her fork, and watched Chloe leave the bathroom. Chloe smiled and waved, and Beca did the same. She thought of the advice Chloe gave her and shuddered. She didn't want to think, but as she looked around she realized she had no choice but to think, and she thought she'd rather sit anywhere other than at this table. 

* * *

"Are you okay?" Aubrey asked, as they walked back inside. Beca rolled her shoulders and bent her knees to get rid of the stiffness.

"Yeah, I'm just wondering if you have another ex to come read us a bedtime story, or something,"

"Beca, I'm sorry, I had no idea Jesse was gonna be there,"

"It's fine, I just wish I'd known your ex's were _Abercrombie_ models." she shrugged, "And _Chloe_?" Beca whispered, in disbelief. "Jesus, dude, throw me to the damn sharks why don't you, I can't _believe_ you left like that,"

"Well, if you hadn't tried to kiss me-" Beca raised her hand up before she could finish her sentence.

"If she knew something was up, it wasn't because I tried to kiss you, Aubrey." Beca concluded, stepping inside and marching down to the basement. She sat on the bed, and undid the buckle of her boots. She loved being with a family again for Christmas.

* * *

It probably wasn't healthy that she was scrolling through Chloe's social media profiles. She laid in bed, it was nearly dark as sin in the room -- the only light there was, came from the dull moonlight streaming through the windows. Chloe Beale was beautiful, and Aubrey had told her that they'd broken up in high school, that she was her first secret girlfriend. Beca wondered if she and Aubrey actually were a secret, or everyone let them think it, because Chloe seemed to know immediately.

She supposed it could've been both bad acting and the fact that Chloe was her secret girlfriend too (before Beca). She knew about the closet, her name was probably scratched on the wood on the inside like "Chloe wuz here," or something to that effect (it seemed fitting for her personality).

Her _Instagram_ was probably her favorite, it was aesthetically pleasing. There was a series of pictures with filters made to make a rainbow when looking in grid format. All of her pictures were beautiful, and the captions were always puns. She was also a doctor, for pediatrics, and she had a dog. She was out. That was one of the first things she noticed, the little rainbow touches here and there across all her pages -- headlines, and fundraisers, memes -- she was out, at least on social media.

Beca thought about the night again, and what Chloe said, as she scrolled from the end of her profile back to the top. Her eyes burned, it was past one in the morning, and she rolled over on her side -- noticing how empty the bed was. She finally got to the top of the page again, as she yawned and unknowingly hit the "follow" button (instead of the "back" arrow) before she turned off her phone to sleep.

* * *


	3. It was a bad idea to think I could stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bad idea by girl in red

* * *

Beca woke to a gray haze over the room from the clouds outside. Her feet were cold and she tucked them under the blanket again, trying to ignore her aching knees. She rolled onto her back, and immediately was faced with two children she has definitely never seen before. She let out a small shriek, and jerked off the bed by accident. She sat up, behind the mattress, looking at them looking at her. Neither of them spoke, and Beca didn't either. "Ayla? Lachlan?" Beca looked up at the doorway, seeing Aubrey's sister, Madelyn, coming down the steps. She was tall and statuesque, she somehow stood taller than Aubrey, though she was shorter. The seriousness in her eyes was like Aubrey's, but more intense, like everything was a challenge. It scared her more than Aubrey on a bad day. "There you two are, go up, grandma's waiting, and this room has been… occupied," Madelyn's eyes narrowed at Beca, making her want to shrink back into herself. She cleared her throat.

"Hey, I'm-" Madelyn closed the door right after her children stepped out, "Beca," she raised her eyebrows and sighed, "Sheesh." She stood, and cracked her lower back so hard that she had to sit down again. She turned on her phone, to see two text messages, and a notification for _Instagram_. 

_aubs (8:33 a.m.): good morning are we still getting breakfast?_

_aubs (8:34 a.m.): don't forget we have to go shopping_

Beca typed out a "good morning" back and closed out of her messages. She opened her _Instagram_. She felt her face flush, as she looked at the notification.

_Chloe Beale (chloe_beale.)_

She opened her profile again, only to see that she followed Chloe _first_. She never meant to follow her, that's what crazy people do, they only talked for five minutes and she was her girlfriend ex -- that isn't something she wanted to get caught up in. It was too late, she followed Chloe, and Chloe requested to follow her back, the only thing she could do was ignore her request and pretend it didn't happen. "Shit,"

Beca trudged out of the basement, with her robe and shower caddy in hand. She was able to get past Aubrey and her family, undetected. All she wanted was a moment to herself, before the madness ensued. Her sore muscles sang under the hot water, relieved of their pain. The basement wasn’t nearly as warm as the upstairs, and Charlie had said that the best way to get heat circulating was to leave the door open for as long as possible -- but Beca wouldn’t do that because she was afraid of the dark. It seemed silly, but Beca couldn’t keep down the anxiety teeming in her chest at the thought of being a pitch black room. She preferred to be in a cold and dim lit room, instead of leaving the door open for the dark basement to stare back at her. 

She rinsed and braced for the shock of cold air as she opened the shower curtain, she walked over to the window to crack it -- to completely destroy any evidence that she had been in there -- and she slipped into her robe. She brushed her teeth, and stood there judging her reflection. She had dark circles, she reminded herself of someone’s mother. As soon as she finished, she collected everything from her shower caddy, lest Gail have an aneurysm because of a random, purple loofah in her designer bathroom. As soon as she opened the door, Gail stood there wearing big, pink rubber gloves, holding a bucket full of cleaners and brushes. “Good morning, Beca, sorry I scared you -- I just wanted to get in there right after you.” Beca nodded, as if it were totally normal.

“Yeah, yeah, I hoped I was in and out fast enough,”

“Almost! Just a few minutes over when the mirrors get streaky, but I see you opened the window -- how considerate!” Gail stood there, and Beca wanted to get back to the basement before all the moisture from her wet skin was gone and her hair became a frizzy mess.

“Yeah! I’d love to stay, but-”

“Yes, please, please!” Gail moved and Beca walked past her. “There’s bagels in the kitchen if you’re not above carbs!” She laughed. Beca laughed too, knowing well that Gail’s piercing blue eyes would watch her take every solitary bite. _No thanks,_ Beac thought. She breezed past the kitchen and living room again without being seen. She supposed maybe she didn’t have to try so hard, based off last night. She wasn’t bitter anymore, just hopeful. 

As soon as she got to the basement and closed the door, her phone chimed. She set her things down and sat on the bed in front of her phone.

_aubs (8:50 a.m.): beca?_

_aubs (9:17 a.m.): nvm we can't go for breakfast, going with my sister's they wanted to catch up before the party tonight_

Beca sighed, and put one of her t-shirts under her hair to catch the water. She watched another gray ellipsis bubble at the bottom of the screen.

_aubs (9:20 a.m.): I'm sorry_

_aubs (9:20 a.m.): we didn't take my car if you still wanted to go into town_

Beca typed out a response back, wondering if Aubrey was upset with her because of the previous night. Beca hadn't exactly been very calm about the dinner situation, and she shouldn't have gotten so upset with Aubrey. It wasn't her fault.

_Beca (9:25 a.m.): it's ok have fun and thanks_

Well, maybe it wasn _'_ t _completely_ Aubrey's fault, not directly. If they could just tell her parents, maybe some of the steam could be let out of the pot, but that wasn't her choice to make. Either way, Beca just wanted to see Aubrey, and she tried to not think about how long it'll be before she can get a moment with her again.

  
  


* * *

Beca sat inside Aubrey's car, long after she parked in front of a meter. She had no real idea of where she was going, she had initially thought that Aubrey would venture with her, but Beca was fine exploring on her own. She wasn't entirely prepared to step out of the car into the frigid air of the morning, her knees ached and her fingers were too cold to move at regular speed. She rubbed her hands together and finally turned the car off, making a mental note to top off the gas before returning to Aubrey's parent's. 

As soon as she closed the car door, her attention was brought to the scent of coffee that was the strongest she'd ever smelled in her life. She hadn't given much thought to it, but she rarely drank coffee anymore. Aubrey preferred tea, she never bought coffee, and Aubrey's apartment was out of the way of Beca's work so it made no sense to turn around to get coffee when she was already pressed for time. Beca smiled and walked up to the glass door, that read "Bella's," as she pulled it open. Immediately, the warmth wafted toward her, wrapping it's gentle hands around her and bringing her inside. "Welcome to Bella's!" Beca turned her attention to the cashier, a blonde woman wearing a blue apron with a cursive B on the front pocket.

"Hi," Beca glanced around, seeing the personality of the small shop. No matte black, or gray, or brown, like any other shop in New York -- splashes of color were everywhere, a yellow rug dominated the space on the other side of the counter and green corduroy chairs sat on top. The coffee tables were made of wood pallets, and were painted white, then distressed. All of the pictures on the walls were of silhouettes of women painted in reds, purples, pinks, and orange. The entire coffee shop was aesthetically pleasing.

"Are you ready to order?"

"Oh, yes!" Beca winced, having ignored the cashier on accident. "Can I get mocha latte, please?" 

"For sure, anything else?" Beca looked inside the display at the assortment of desserts, and breakfast sandwiches. 

"Yes, can I get the smoked bacon and egg with Munster?"

"Absolutely, can I get a name?"

"Beca, thanks,"

"That'll be seven dollars, and twenty-five cents," Beca pushed a twenty dollar bill toward the woman.

"Keep the change," Beca peered at her name tag, "Jessica," Jessica smiled gratefully and began to walk away, as Beca stuffed her receipt into her wallet. "Oh, wait!" She called.

"What can I do you for?"

"Can I get that with no dairy, if possible?"

"No dairy? That's sad," Beca stiffened. She turned around to see Chloe, standing behind her in a black peacoat.

"I'll die, probably," Beca chuckled.

"I'll have that right out for you Beca," Jessica interjected, "PSL, Chloe?"

"Yes, please," Beca looked at her, in sheer panic, she knew Chloe knew she didn't accept her follow request after stalking her page. She hadn't thought they'd see each other again, especially so soon, so Beca stood there -- like a deer caught in headlights.

"Beca?"

"Hm?" Beca asked, embarrassed.

"I asked if you wanted to sit down, you on a vacation in there?" 

"Uh, yeah," Beca said, "Not to the vacation thing, I mean technically I am, but you know what -- let's go sit." Chloe looked at her, and laughed, her eyes full of mischief.

They sat on the green chairs that were more comfortable than she thought they'd be. There was a lull in conversation, Beca sat in front of Chloe, with her fingers twiddling in her lap. "So, you followed me?"

"What?" Beca shifted under Chloe's scrutinizing stare.

"On _Instagram_ , you followed me,"

"Right," Beca nodded, "I did,"

"I sent a request back, I don't know if you saw it," her voice was not accusing, mostly curious, and her smirk made Beca crazy as if she knew something -- and she did (probably) -- but that didn't negate the fact that Beca was nervous.

"Yeah- I mean, no," Chloe's smirk grew and Beca could feel the blush on her cheeks.

"You were totally stalking me, weren't you?" Beca laughed and covered her face. "You were!"

"It's not stalking if the information is all technically public," Beca calmed her wild giggles, and shrugged, absolutely certain that her cheeks were still red.

"Well," Chloe narrowed her eyes playfully, "I'll keep your secret, Becs," Beca's stomach fluttered, but she was distracted by the possibility of what she said having two meanings. She definitely knew something. "What are you doing in town?"

"Aubrey went to breakfast with her sister's, I didn't want to intrude,"

"Gotcha, is Maddy- or _Madelyn_ here?" Chloe rolled her eyes, as she said her name. 

"Yeah, I met her this morning…" Beca trailed off, debating on if it was okay to be talking to Chloe -- given the history between Chloe and Aubrey -- she shook her head at herself, deciding it should be fine, "Is she always so…" Beca frowned and tried to think of any other adjective that wasn't necessarily negative.

"Intense?"

"Yes!" Beca remembered the way she looked at her, as if Beca were two feet tall.

"Yeah, since we were kids," Chloe nodded and Beca leaned back in her chair. She crossed a leg over her knee, and she could feel Chloe's eyes on her -- bringing heat up to her ears. 

"Beca, your order is ready!" Jessica called from behind the pick-up counter. 

"Well, that's me," Beca stood, and so did Chloe. "It was nice to actually talk to someone,"

"Yeah, for sure," Beca found herself beaming at Chloe, “I guess I’ll see you at all the festivities this week,”

“Great,” Beca chirped.

“Awes,” They nodded at each other, probably for too long.

“I should get going,” 

“Yeah,” Beca waved goodbye, and collected her order. 

She sat the bag in the passenger's seat, and held the cup between her knees, as she opened her phone and accepted Chloe’s request to follow her.

* * *

Beca buttoned the last button on her blazer. It was a blue, plaid, two piece suit with thin green accent lines, which she wore with most of the top buttons of her white dress shirt left undone. A bold choice, but Beca couldn’t help it, she admired the confidence it gave her. 

The door to the basement bathroom opened, and Aubrey peeked inside with a big smile that dropped as soon as she saw Beca. “Is that what you’re wearing?” Beca rocked on the balls of her feet.

“Yeah,” She hesitated.

“Well, it’s a good thing I went shopping earlier, and bought you a dress!” Aubrey pulled a beautiful, black, gown from behind her. It was gorgeous, but Beca couldn’t see herself wearing it. At least not comfortably.

“Thank you,” Beca feigned excitement and Aubrey noticed immediately.

“You hate it,” she pouted.

“No, no, I like it- love it, it’s just,” Beca kissed her teeth, “Don’t you think that it’s not really my speed?” Aubrey stepped closer to her, kicking the door shut.

“I think you look beautiful in everything,” Aubrey purred in her ear, leaving small kisses down her neck. Beca sucked in a harsh breath, and nodded. 

“I’ll be up in a second, let me change,” She whispered.

Relationships were compromises, and Beca didn’t mind too much. She thought about it as she changed, and she knew it was just something couples did. It was just something couples did to survive, and if that is what they needed to do to get through then Beca would do it. She zipped up her dress and looked at herself; she supposed it looked good on her, but her arms and the tattoo on her back was visible; there was a slit up to her mid-thigh and it was cold, and she was _pale_ , but the rest was fine. She didn’t even need to change her shoes, so that had been a plus.

Beca tugged at her helix piercing, as she stood at the stairs. She could hear Ayla and Lachlan chattering in the closet under the stairs, as Charlie searched for them with antler headbands and Santa hats. Beca laughed privately to herself. “Beca!” She turned around, startled, Gail was standing behind her with her hand on the pearls around her neck. “You look absolutely stunning, that dress!” 

“Thank you-” She smiled and let go of her piercing, as Aubrey interrupted.

“I picked it out,” Aubrey walked into the kitchen, wearing a short and form-fitting, blue dress. It glittered under the kitchen lights, and her eyes turned slightly blue. She was beautiful.

“Aubrey, dear, do you have any concealer?” Gail looked deeply into Beca’s face, causing her to lean back.

“Yeah, mom, why?”

“Beca has some slight dark circles,” Gail said offhandedly — as if it weren’t a rude thing to say — still studying Beca’s face. Beca chewed the inside of her cheek, and waited for someone else to speak.

“Oh, I’ll go get it,” Beca noticed how Aubrey hadn’t told her mother about her comment. It was probably just difficult, and Beca knew she had dark circles, so she shouldn't be offended really. Gail looked at her, with a toothy smile and nodded once. She turned back to Beca — who was still standing there — and frowned.

“Oh, Beca, honey, don’t make that face,” She held Beca’s chin and shook it, “Gives you double-chins.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Beca nodded and adjusted her posture, watching her walk away.

“Hi, I’m Scott,” A man approached Beca, she hadn’t seen him before.

“Beca,” She shook his hand.

“Aubrey’s friend, right?” Beca tensed her core to keep her composure. She nodded and he smiled warmly, “I’m Madelyn’s husband.”

“Nice to meet-“

“Scott, do I have to do everything myself?” Madelyn shouted as she dragged their children into the living room. He looked at her, and back at Beca, sighing irritably.

“Gotta go,” Beca let him leave and continued to stand there, waiting for everyone to finish adjusting themselves before they left. 

She remembered the one Christmas party that she had thrown, in high school. At that point, she’d only been to class parties, and birthday parties, the one she and her mother threw was less fun than anticipated. They fought the entire time, while preparing, which was slightly out of character for the both of them. Everyone was having fun, except for Beca and her mother, as they hosted, and cleaned, and hosted some more. At the end of the night, Beca turned off the Christmas music station — just as Janis Joplin began to play — and they picked up trash singing and dancing for the remainder of the night. Beca smiled to herself, in the backseat of Aubrey’s car, looking out the window at the lights in the neighborhood.

* * *

The venue was inconceivably big, and there were so many people that Beca felt her hands sweating before they could walk in. She wasn’t _horrible_ when it came to socializing, she might be a little awkward, but eventually she just needed to find a groove. That was all. The group stepped inside, their coats were immediately taken, and Aubrey’s parents walked up to another group who certainly seemed pleased to see them. Charlie, Aubrey, Madelyn (and her family) still stood with Beca. “Big party,” Beca mumbled, glancing at all the well-dressed people. She was wearing a _gown_ and still felt outclassed.

“So, are we sticking together or-“

“I’m leaving,” Madelyn left, with her husband and children in tow. Beca looked at Charlie, whose smile was still large and true.

“Three musketeers, alright,” She said with a small pump of her fist. Beca laughed at her, and the three of them moved deeper into the social scene. The rooms had the tallest ceilings Beca had ever seen, and the balcony wrapped around, looking over the ground floor. It reminded Beca of a courthouse, though less filled with less criminal neglect, but just as much privilege. Beca looked up at Aubrey, who was leading her and Charlie through the crowd. She watched her face light up, and she followed Aubrey’s line of sight to see a group of girls. The closer they got, the further Aubrey felt as she began to drift away from her.

“Hi!”

“Aubrey!” they all exclaimed in unison. If that was not cult behavior, Beca didn’t know what was.

“Ladies! I missed you so much!” Beca looked at her, listening to her voice change drastically. Beca stood beside Charlie, and looked at her confused, with a frown that silently asked “what is happening?” And Charlie’s only answer was a shrug, and a face just as confused.

“We heard you were back, and got _so_ excited,” said a brunette girl from the group. 

“I’m excited to be back,” Beca stepped closer, still hovering behind her.

“We know who else is excited to see you,” the smirk on the girls face made Beca’s skin crawl, all three of them turned around to see Jesse standing against the wall. Beca scowled, but she doubted that anyone saw her. 

“Oh,” Aubrey said quietly, walking toward him without looking back. Beca stood there, baffled, and Charlie talked animatedly with Aubrey’s friends (she hated how uninterested they still looked). She tried to listen to Charlie, instead of watching Aubrey talk comfortably with Jesse.

The more Beca heard her story, she fell deeper into her imagination, and all she could see was the years upon years worth of _Harry Potter_ and _The Hobbit_ memories she had when her mother would read to her. She would read for about an hour each day for homework, and another one to listen to her mother read. Her voice was soft as wind chimes; Beca remembered, vividly, rereading _The_ _Hobbit_ in her hospital room. Her voice was still soft, but it was also weak and tired. She sounded lethargic, and eventually Beca had to read for most of their time. She remembered her mother smiling at her, she looked small and frail in her bed, she would turn a shaky palm over for Beca to hold. Even now, she could feel it going limp in her own.

“Oh, and you’re leaving,” Charlie watched the girls leave, and Beca turned to face her. She wasn’t disappointed for long, she brightened immediately and clapped her hands together, “I think I see my old elementary school teacher!” Charlie pointed up the stairs and grabbed Beca’s hand. She swallowed, in an effort to quell her need to cry.

Beca was grateful that Charlie brought her along, and this lasted for a long while, until Charlie walked away with another person she was telling about the importance of nuance and symbolism to keep the conversation going. Beca tiredly held herself up against the pillar behind her, and looked over the balcony to catch the eyes of Chloe Beale. She stood on the bottom floor, in a deep green dress, with her curly, red hair swept into a low bun. She wiggled her fingers, to say hi without interrupting her conversation, and Beca blushed — her cheeks became hot — because she knew that it was because she was staring long enough for her to see. She leaned against the banister, with her hands to either sides of her, continuing to pretend she was surveying the room. She made eye contact with Chloe, and Beca winked, feeling the need to fluster her back. Beca felt her phone vibrate inside her clutch. She pulled it out to see a direct message from Chloe.

_i see you followed me back (chloe_beale.)_

Beca looked down, and Chloe was gone. She looked around the party, not seeing her anywhere. 

_and you also seemed to have actually followed me?? gotta work on your problem becs ;) (chloe_beale.)_

She grinned widely, and thumbed out a response.

_me? stalking you? never (bmitch_is.me)_

_you couldn’t prove it (bmitch_is.me)_

Beca looked around again, searching for copper hair, and icy, blue eyes. All she saw was Aubrey’s family scattered about, and then she spotted Aubrey laughing at something Jesse said, with her hand gripping his arm. She frowned, feeling as though she saw something she wasn’t supposed to when she remembered that they needed to keep things under wraps until they could tell them. It still didn’t make her feel better, but she rolled her shoulders and shook it off.

She walked aimlessly through the crowd, passing by so many people — feeling the eyes of everyone there on her back as she walked out onto the patio. It was ridiculously cold, and she left her jacket downstairs with whoever took it, so her arms and back were exposed to the prickly breeze. Benji’s contact picture popped up on her screen, she accepted the call, “Hello?”

“Did you know the country club you’re in lost in a lawsuit against a group of employees for discrimination against people of color in the work place?”

“How did you know that?”

“Babe, I’m tracking you,” Benji clicked his tongue, “Anyways… I’m sorry for telling you to feel bad about your decision.” Beca walked further out, shivering from the gradual loss of heat coming from the building. “It was childish and silly for me to say it was a stupid idea,”

“When did you say it was stu-“

“Shh,” Benji whispered, “If that is what you need to do to make things work with Aubrey, then I fully support you,” 

“Thank you,” Beca said through clenched teeth. 

“So, anyways, if I wanted to get some jeans like the ones you wore to work the other day, exactly like them, where could I get that?”

“I don’t know, I think I got them from _Pacsun_ , or something — all my jeans are from there and some from the thrift — I’m sorry, why are you asking?”

“I just like them, you know me, anyways I gotta go, bye!” He hung up before Beca could say bye back. She shook her head and looked at the floor in front of her, careful not to step on any ice. 

“What are you doing out here without a jacket?” Beca turned around, with her fists up in her boxing stance.

“Woah, there, _Street Fighter,_ ” Beca chuckled at herself, and dropped her arms to her sides.

“Who’s the stalker now?”

“We’re in the same place,” Chloe teased, her breath creating a small fog at her lips, “You call it stalking, I call it coincidence,”

“Yeah, yeah,” Beca rolled her eyes, and looked her up and down, “Nice dress,”

“Thanks, you too…” Chloe let her sentence hang, as she appraised her appearance. Beca shifted, and crossed her arms over her chest. “I imagined you were a pants kind of girl,”

“I am, I have them, I mean, not now, but I do-“ She slipped on a small patch of ice as she moved. Chloe’s warm hands held her by her shoulders, keeping her upright. “Wear them, I wear them,”

“Totes,” Chloe nodded, with a small and approving frown, “So, why are you out here without a jacket?”

“I forgot to go grab it, I just needed some air,”

“I bet,” Chloe groaned, “It’s really stuffy in there, and I’m not talking about the air quality,” Beca chuckled and looked down at her shoes.

“Yeah, I can’t say it’s the same on my end, I’ve been alone for a bit,” Beca thought of the hour she spent by herself.

“Aubrey ditch you?”

“Yeah, and Charlie hung out, but then she left and the conversation about F. Scott Fitzgerald’s wife was so riveting too, but I’ll have to ask her about it later,”

“She’s real smart, I think she’ll be famous one day,”

“No kidding, she has some really impressive ideas,” 

“What do you do?” Chloe asked. Beca buffered, she wasn’t sure what to say, she didn’t want to tell Chloe about her lack of a degree. She didn’t want to tell anybody, especially after the lie Aubrey told about her going to Columbia.

“I…” Beca hesitated under the pressure of saying what she needed to, “I play music,”

“Really? That’s so cool!” Beca smiled and scratched the back of her neck.

“Not, like, professionally, but I’d like to,” she averted her gaze again, “I work at a call center most days, and play gigs at night,”

“That sounds like that thing, citizen by day, superhero by night, you know?”

“Thanks, thank you,” She couldn’t help herself from smiling. “You’re the only one who thinks so.” Beca mumbled, humorlessly at the ground.

“I’m sure Aubrey does too,” Beca looked up to see Chloe’s expectant face looking back at her. She waited too long to answer, “Right?” She raised her eyebrows and blew out a slow breath that looked like smoke. She peered past her, seeing that Aubrey’s father was about to go up onstage.

“Looks like the speech is starting,” Beca knew that Chloe knew she was diverting, but she was thankful that she let it happen.

“Great, now I have to go inside to talk to my mom’s boss about her weird mole,” Chloe grimaced. Her face twisted in disgust, and her nose scrunched.

“Gross,”

“Yeah,” Chloe shook her head, the tendrils framing her face shook softly. “Well, I guess we should go in,”

“Yeah,” Beca nodded and walked through the door Chloe held open for her. As soon as they walked in, someone called her name.

“I better go over there, but I’ll see you?” Beca nodded, and Chloe beamed at her.

“Yeah, see you, Chlo,” She watched Chloe walk away into the crowd and then decided she should find Aubrey.

* * *

Beca finished washing her face and walked her heavy limbs back to the room. She was exhausted, and honestly upset, the night went the complete opposite way she thought it would. She imagined she’d be a healthy amount of uncomfortable, but not isolated from everyone. Especially not Aubrey, she couldn’t believe how quickly she left her side. She knew she had to mingle, but she didn’t expect to feel so out of place and simply abandoned as she did, wandering the venue — trying to seem like she belonged there, when she hadn’t been personally invited in the first place.

She scrolled, mindlessly through her feed, every so often double tapping one of Benji’s and some of her coworkers posts. 

_Sent a Post (chloe_beale.)_

Beca opened it to see a meme about the FBI Agent watching her through her phone, and Beca smirked, sending a snarky message back.

_is that supposed to be an impression of you? (bmitch_is.me)_

_no way it’s totes you (chloe_beale.)_

Beca sent an eye roll emoji back, and waited for her response. Her phone buzzed, and when she opened the message, there was a topless picture of Aubrey sitting in their thread.

_aubs (12:03 a.m.): [Attachment: 1 Image]_

_aubs (12:30 a.m.): missing you right about now_

Beca swallowed, and let her eyes linger on the exposed skin.

_Beca (12:32 a.m.): miss you too_

_aubs (12:32 a.m.): come sneak up?_

Beca stared at her text, feeling her heartbeat pick up in her chest. A message from Chloe came through, she closed their thread to see what Chloe had said.

_you’ll warm up to me soon becs (chloe_beale.)_

Beca smirked.

_is that what you say to all your hostages? (bmitch_is.me)_

Her phone vibrated in her hand, as another text from Aubrey appeared on her screen.

_aubs (12:35 a.m.): [Attachment: 1 Image] pretty please? i need you_

It was a full view of the lingerie she was wearing, Beca could hear the desperation, and she didn’t want to disappoint. 

She stealthily snuck past the living room, and her sister’s rooms, but just as she thought she was in the clear — passing silently by John’s office, that he was still working in — she could hear Gail coming down the hallway. She ducked into a closet, and stood there, her toes felt frozen against the wood floor.

_Beca (12:50 a.m.): your mom is up_

Beca waited, quietly until she couldn’t hear her anymore. She decided against still going to Aubrey’s room, and that she would bear the petty disappointment when it came. As she padded down the hall, down the steps, and sprinted through the basement, she felt some semblance of comfort in the basement room. She closed the door, and made her way to the bed, when two unknown arms came around her. She managed to move so quickly, the assailant was pinned under her merely seconds after touching her. “What the fuck, Aubrey?” Beca whispered, furiously.

“Gotcha,” Aubrey giggled, and turned them over, “God, I missed this,” she sighed into Beca’s shoulder. Beca brought her hands up to her back, rubbing them up and down, slipping her fingers under her camisole. Aubrey planted a bruising kiss to her lips, her hands moved over her, and Beca gasped as her cold fingers touched her stomach. When they broke apart, Beca looked up at her, Aubrey didn’t open her eyes, she kept them shut, and tightly so. Beca left small kisses on her cheeks and chin.

“Hey,” She murmured, holding her jaw. Aubrey shook her head, and hid her face in Beca’s chest — licking and nipping at her collar bone, making Beca shift and curse under her breath.

“Please?” Aubrey pleaded, as she kept her face down to her chest and neck, not once looking her in the eyes. Aubrey wrapped her arm under Beca’s waist and pulled her closer. Beca became so lightheaded, she could only see Aubrey’s smooth skin under the moon, and her blonde hair, Beca let her shaky fingers brush through her hair.

“Okay,” She let Aubrey bring her to the edge until she could barely think anymore, and Aubrey rolled over onto her side, with her back turned to her.

* * *


	4. i never remember how things really happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: flaming hot cheetos by clairo
> 
> drugs by UPSAHL

* * *

“Beca?” Her eyes snapped open to the sound of Gail’s knocking, “Are you decent? Beca?” Beside her, Aubrey jolted up with a green tint on her panicked face. Beca scrambled off the bed and pulled her sweats off the floor.

“Just a second!” Beca looked back at Aubrey who bunched a t-shirt over her chest, in a haste to find her pajama shorts. She briefly made eye contact with Beca, and she looked away so quickly that Beca couldn’t even read the emotions in them. 

“I just need to get a few things, I’m coming in now!” Beca pulled a shirt over her head just in time, and with a soft thud Aubrey rolled under the bed. Gail pushed her head through the door, with her eyes dramatically shut. “Can I open my eyes?”

“Yeah, you can open your eyes now,” Beca laughed nervously, and moved to stand in front of the bed. 

“Great, I left some craft materials on the shelves, and the kids want to make ornaments because John told them he’d give them twenty dollars each for making the tree look family-like,” Gail huffed, “If I’d have known it needed to look more homely, _I_ would have done it myself.” Beca watched Gail rife through all the bins. Ayla and Lachlan walked up to the door, and Beca watched in horror as their eyes shifted under the bed where Aubrey hid. Their eyes grew wide, and Beca shook her head slightly, with her mouth pressed into a thin line. They grinned wickedly, and finally Gail found what she’d been looking for. “I’ll get out of your hair now, and breakfast is ready if you want to go upstairs.”

“Okay, thank you, Gail,” Beca smiled so wide, it hurt her cheeks, and surprisingly enough — Gail didn’t return the smile.

“Are you feeling alright, Beca?” She put her hand over her forehead, to feel for a fever.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Gail looked at her, with an incredulous frown.

“If you say so…” She walked out of the room without a second glance, holding the children by their shoulders. Ayla and Lachlan looked back at her, with a menacing stare — Beca hurriedly closed the door, and Aubrey scrambled out from under the bed.

“Shit!”

“Aubrey-“

“Shit!” Aubrey dressed herself, cursing under her breath, as Beca stood there watching. As soon as she was dressed, she dragged her hands down her face and when she saw Beca standing there, there was guilt and shame in her eyes. “I’m sorry, baby, I just-“

“I get it,” Beca opened her arms, and Aubrey stepped into them — her arms hung at her sides, as Beca rubbed circles on her back.

“We still have to go get your white elephant gift, so maybe we can go later?” Aubrey mumbled into her shoulder.

“Yeah, sure,” Aubrey stood up straight and smiled at Beca, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I gotta get up there,” 

“Okay,” Beca leaned in to kiss her lips — Aubrey’s were completely still — and after a moment they began to move against Beca’s. “I’ll be up soon,” Beca smiled and Aubrey nodded, as she looked away and finally walked out of the room.

“I’m gonna go shower,”

* * *

Beca sat at the table, in front of the stained glass window in the kitchen. The kids sat across the breakfast bar, with their crafts spread out, and cookie trays lined up and ready to decorate. Charlie talked nonsense with them, and Gail iced little Santa hat cookies with a focused frown on her face. Aubrey finally walked into the kitchen, avoiding Beca’s eyes, as she served herself a cup of coffee. “Aubrey, you’re _finally_ down,”

“That I am,” 

“Your father needs your help today with his campaign-“

“But I needed her to come with me to the mall?” Madelyn said as she stepped into the kitchen.

“Well, you can take Beca,” Gail offered, “Beca, you have no plans right?”

“Uh…” Beca looked at her and Madelyn nervously (and the look on her face didn’t scream “thrilled”). “No, no, plans, I can go,”

“Great! See? I got you, Madelyn,” Madelyn sent a forced grin at her mother and to Beca. “Now, Aubrey, go with your father — he has to go to the office,” Gail returned her eyes to the cookies at hand, and Beca watched Aubrey reluctantly go to John’s office. Beca gulped, as Madelyn strides across the kitchen with a dead look in her eyes.

“Guess it’s you and me,”

“Yeah,” Beca squeaked.

“I’d like to leave in fifteen minutes,” she nodded, with her eyes too wide, and posture too straight to be considered a natural position for her.

“Dope,” Madelyn’s face gave no hint of reaction, and she turned around, walking completely out of the kitchen. Beca frowned and turned her head to the side, away from Gail’s view, “What?” She whispered to herself, absolutely mortified.

* * *

The mall parking lot was crowded, Beca couldn’t spot a single parking space that was close enough to the entrance. Madelyn peered through the windshield — scanning the lot like a hawk — and glancing in the rear view mirrors every so often to monitor the conditions of parking spaces that they’d passed. Beca, on the other hand, tried to calmly look for somewhere to park, all while feeling as if looking Madelyn in the eyes would turn her to stone. It wasn’t that she was afraid of Madelyn herself, but of what she didn’t know about her already; it was the fear of any judgment Madelyn would pass on her, anything that could possibly tip Aubrey the other direction. Beca supposed whatever Madelyn thought of her couldn’t be horrible, or too deeply rooted, because they hadn’t talked very much over the course of the three days she had been there — but it could also mean very much to Aubrey, and Beca had spent the days watching Aubrey around her own family, and it wasn’t hard to deduce how willing she’d be to lie about things she didn’t need to. So, who was _really_ to say?

Sooner, or later, Madelyn found a space, played chicken with another minivan filled with children, and ultimately won the battle before the war inside the mall. “Ayla, Lachlan, you need to hold on to our hands, and _don’t_ let go until we get inside.” Beca awkwardly offered her hand, hoping it wasn’t clammy from the nerves, even though she was giving it to a literal child (who probably couldn’t care less, or wouldn’t notice). The children hadn’t talked to Beca either, even after they’d seen Aubrey underneath the bed. Hopefully, they didn’t say anything to anyone. What would they do with the information? Beca couldn’t bribe them in good conscience, and if they wouldn’t bring it up, why would she?

The mall was swarming with people and none of them even looked at each other, everyone was walking in two general directions to the stores on either sides of the mall — probably doing some late gift shopping. It gave Beca a sense of security, it reminded her of the city, with all the hustle and bustle, but without her earbuds it wasn’t nearly as calming. Walking through a hoard of people at the crosswalk, who didn’t know her (or anything about her), with her earbuds in was the highlight of her day. Without her earbuds, the numbing noise all around her was uncomfortable. Perhaps it was the company of her girlfriend’s sister, or her niece and nephew that saw her hiding under the bed, and it was possible that it could even be the secret she promised she’d keep from Aubrey’s family until after Christmas. Beca decided to swallow all of it, without another thought, as they rode the escalator to the second level. 

“Let’s try _Kirkland’s_ first, and then we’ll go from there,” Beca nodded, and followed Madelyn into the store. She tried not to let her feet drag with each step, and ignored the sweat dripping down her back. Beca walked behind Madelyn, browsing through rugs. She glanced around for the twins and they trailed behind her, staring her down. Beca’s phone buzzed, and when she saw it was Chloe she smiled privately to herself.

_good morning (chloe_beale.)_

_Sent Post (chloe_beale.)_

Beca looked down at the picture of a horse laying in grass, beside a sign that said “I’m not dead! Just tired&ugly, please let me sleep!!!” She chuckled, and tried to disguise it as a cough when Madelyn looked her way.

_are you calling me ugly? (bmitch_is.me)_

Beca followed Madelyn to the next corner of the store.

_no! not at all, i promise (chloe_beale.)_

_i PINKY promise - you’re very pretty (chloe_beale.)_

Beca blushed and shook her head, as she responded.

_what are you doing today? (bmitch_is.me)_

_at the mall and you? (chloe_beale.)_

_same actually (bmitch_is.me)_

_fuckin stalker (chloe_beale.)_

_maybe me you and Aubrey can all get a Cinnabon? (chloe_beale.)_

Beca looked at Madelyn, and the twins, looking through clocks and signs that say “Live, Laugh, Love,” she turned her attention back to her phone. 

_aubrey’s not with me it’s just Madelyn and her kids (bmitch_is.me)_

Beca put her phone in her pocket and followed Madelyn out the doors. “Didn’t find anything?”

“No,” Beca jumped when a small hand took hers, and she looked down at Lachlan (who was completely unbothered). “Not like you were helping,” She said as they walked into another store further from the previous. Beca rolled her eyes, and cleared her throat.

“Well, is it for your mom, or the white elephant?”

“For my mother, why?”

“I remember she said something about making the house more homey, so, maybe something like a throw pillow that says something cliche?” Madelyn stopped and turned around.

“That’s good, I saw something I think, here, can you walk around with them — I have the perfect gift in mind,”

“Oh, okay,”

“Thank you,” Madelyn straightened her posture, and her face fell flat again. She couldn’t fool Beca anymore. She watched Madelyn walk out and she checked her phone, as the kids smelled at the candles in the store.

_oof (chloe_beale.)_

Beca glanced at the kids, seeing they were still fine. 

_she went to another store and i have the kids, still want to? (bmitch_is.me)_

She waited for a response, and Ayla walked up to her with a fuchsia candle in her hands. “Can we get this one for Gran?”

“For sure,” she sniffed it, smelling something sweet, but also woody, and probably exactly what Gail would smell like if she were a perfume. “That smells real good, guys, good noses.” She took it up to the register, and pulled out her wallet.

“We want to pay,” They pulled out a ten dollar bill, but the candle was twenty-five. She read the new message from Chloe.

_that’s totes cool with me (chloe_beale.)_

“Are you allowed to eat cinnamon buns?” They nodded, “Well, after we buy the candle, wanna get some?” They nodded again, but with large grins. Beca took their ten dollar bill, and pretended to pay for the candle, but instead she gave the cashier thirty dollars, and kept the ten dollar bill for their _Cinnabon_. The cashier handed her the bagged candle, and Beca handed it to Ayla. “Let’s roll,”

* * *

“So, how is Madelyn?” Chloe asked, over her cinnamon bun. Beca watched the kids eat theirs at the table next to them. 

“She’s not as scary now,” Beca mumbled around her straw, “She’s kind of like her sister, you gotta get through the first layer,”

“Yeah, I get that,” Beca looked at Ayla and Lachlan again, watching them have a staring contest. “So, do you have any family down here?”

“Nope, I just tagged along,” Beca leaned back in her chair, and wiped her finger up and down the condensation collecting on her cup.

“What do you usually do for the holidays?”

“I…” Beca hesitated and watched water beads pool on the table, as she remembered sitting with her mother — drunk beside her headstone — until the sun came down and Benji came to get her. “I used to spend them with my mom, we would watch bad TV and drink hot chocolate,”

“That sounds fun,” Chloe said, sincerely.

“Yeah, it was,” Beca mumbled, ignoring the stinging in her nose.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- I shouldn’t have asked,” Beca watched Chloe frantically apologize, and she shrugged at her.

“It’s all good, you didn’t know,” Beca smiled, and Chloe relaxed into her chair again. A silent moment passed, until Chloe spoke up again.

“You must miss her,”

“Yeah,” Beca nodded, and cleared her throat, “Everyday,” Beca looked at the twins, seeing them still entertained and safe, “What about you? You come here every year?”

“Not every year, but my mom wanted to see me this year, she was like ‘I haven’t seen you in forever, come back so I can judge you and my friends can harass you,’”

“That’s what she said?” Beca laughed, and Chloe’s whole face strained, as she tried to keep her composure.

“Yup, exactly what she said,” Chloe sputtered, trying not to laugh.

“If you want to not feel awkward, or you’re getting harassed by your mom’s friends, shoot me a text,”

“That’s so nice of you,” 

“Oh, I’m not being nice, it’s because I’ll feel that way too, so why do it alone?” 

“Is that what this is?” Beca chortled and nodded.

“Exactly,” Suddenly, Ayla tugged on her sleeve, and Lachlan stood in front of her, ready to resume shopping, “We have to split, but I’ll see you?”

“Yeah,” Chloe smiled and stood with them, “I’ll text,” she hugged her, and Beca was taken aback by the show of affection. Her hands were at her sides, and she slowly brought them down to hug Chloe back.

* * *

Beca took the kids into another store, to look for her white elephant gift. She tried to find something nice, something that wouldn’t be laughed at or mocked when it was opened. Beca was unsure if the mall was the best place to find a gift, but she had no idea where else to go. “We saw Aunt Aubrey,”

“Oh, yeah?” She squeaked. She turned to look at Lachlan and Ayla.

“Yeah, under your bed,”

“Under my bed?” She said incredulously, “What was she doing there?” The twins seemed un-amused with her facade. 

“Were you playing a game?” Ayla asked.

“Yeah,” Beca answered quickly, and busied herself with the gift search. “Kind of like hide and seek,”

“We love hide and seek!” Lachlan exclaimed, “We play with our toys,”

“That’s super neat,” Beca turned around to look at them, “You can’t tell Aunt Aubrey, or anyone else, that you saw her because I wasn’t supposed to know she was under the bed okay?”

“Okay,” Ayla nodded, and Lachlan pulled a necklace off one of the racks.

“What if you get this?” Beca let out a breathy laugh, relieved that they let it go for now.

“That’s pretty, but maybe we can try something else?” They nodded and they continued to walk along the racks.

After almost twenty minutes, Beca sighed, and turned toward the twins, “Okay, I found nothing, let’s go,” when she turned around, they were laughing at each other, “What’s so funny?” She asked. They shook their heads at her, still laughing. She nodded and frowned playfully, “Alright, keep your secrets,” as soon as she walked through the doors the alarms went off, and before she knew it she was getting tackled by a security guard.

* * *

“Look, I didn’t put that stuff in my bag, It was probably the kids I was with,” Beca argued. The husky security guard stood across from what seemed like a joke of an interrogation table. 

“Lying will get you nowhere, now tell me what your name is, shoplifter!” He slammed his meaty fist down on the table, and Beca sat there unmoved by his performance — with her wrist throbbing and swollen. The light turned on, and another security guard walked in to make themselves a coffee. The security guard in front of Beca stared at them in disbelief of the blatant disregard the other guard had for this mock investigation. “Dude?”

“Oh, my bad, I didn’t realize you were talking,” the other guard mumbled through a danish. 

“I’m in the middle of an investigation!” He yelled.

“Oh, calm down, Paul Blart,” Beca said, flatly. The security guard turned his attention back to her, with a scowl.

“You think you’re funny?” He asked, and Beca shrugged with a hint of a smirk, “Okay, hot stuff,” He leaned on the table with two hands, and what appeared to be a sad attempt of a glare. “Were those kids stealing for you? Hm? Were they helping you?”

“No,”

“Did you pay them off?”

“They’re literal children, they were probably just messing around,”

“Or you just want to get away with theft,” Beca cast her eyes down to the metal table. She just wanted to leave, and here she was being accused of shoplifting because the twins put things in her bag. The door opened suddenly, and Chloe came stomping through with anger written all over her face.

“What the hell are you doing, Bumper?”

“Bumper?” Beca guffawed.

“Chloe, this is a private investigation-“

“You literally have security cameras!” Chloe looked down at Beca, and gasped in horror, “Beca, your wrist!”

“It’s cool, I-“

“Did you even watch the tape, Bumper? Jesus Christ! Her wrist could be _broken_ , and you're keeping her in the break room because _you_ couldn’t even pass the test to get into the police academy!”

“That was a low blow, and it’s Officer Bumper to you!”

“If you don’t let her leave, that’s definitely your job on the line, _and_ a lawsuit.” Chloe warned, with her nostrils flared and her shoulders were squared. Bumper rolled his eyes and turned his back to them.

“Whatever,” Beca stood and began to walk out of the room. She noticed Chloe had put a protective hand on her lower back, as they left, and every so often, Beca would see Chloe’s eyes on her, on her wrist, and then they would turn away as if she didn’t look at her at all. 

“Where are the kids?” Beca asked. 

“Madelyn came and got them,”

“Was she mad?” Chloe nodded quietly. Beca sighed and looked down at her feet. She hadn’t meant for this to happen, she had no idea that the kids would pull that kind of prank. If she’d paid more attention, she would have noticed that they were up to no good. 

“I should take you in,”

“I’m fine,”

“It could be broken, Beca,” Chloe argued softly. 

“Okay,”

* * *

Her wrist wasn’t broken, it was just a sprain. They’d given her a black wrist brace, ACE bandages, a prescription for ibuprofen, and an itemized hospital bill Beca made sure she asked for. Chloe had waited with her in the E.R. to make sure she would be properly treated, and Beca teased her the entire time about how she was a pediatrician not a doctor for adults, and Chloe told her she was as small as an adolescent child so that had to count. It was strange being in a hospital after so long, the smell hit her with a vengeance, but the fear subsided as Chloe lifted her hand to check the swelling. The small talk and jokes between them about Bumper kept her occupied enough that the pain from memories wasn’t at the front of her mind.

Eventually, Beca had to get back into Chloe’s car to go back to Aubrey’s parents’. She dreaded it the entire drive, as she looked out of the windshield (but not really watching the road). She had no real idea of what might be happening behind the front door, but she didn’t want to know. She wanted no part in it, all she wanted was to come spend Christmas with her girlfriend’s family. “We’re here,”

“Oh,” Beca mumbled. She sat heavily against the seat, and looked at Gail peering through the window. She closed her eyes and breathed noisily out of her nose.

“Hey,” Beca looked at Chloe, “It’s gonna be okay,” She smiled. Beca gave a small smile back, and unbuckled her seat-belt.

“Thanks,” She opened the door and set one foot out, “And thanks for taking me to the hospital,”

“Of course,”

“I’ll see you,”

“Bye,” Beca closed the door and marched up the steps, her feet as heavy as lead. She opened the front door and looked over her shoulder to see Chloe still parked. She stepped inside, and closed the door, only to immediately look out the window to see her car finally pulling off. Beca turned around and braced herself for the trouble she was about to get in. 

On the couch sat John and Gail, as Aubrey pleaded with them that Beca wouldn’t be the type to do something like that. “Actually, she does seem like it — I mean she _has_ been arrested for vandalism, so, obviously she put the twins up to this.” Beca watched Aubrey sit there, in silence. 

“Beca,” Scott coughed. She stepped closer to the living room, and stopped in front of everyone.

“I…” Beca shook her head and clenched her eyes shut to force away the shame, “I-I’m sorry,” She turned forward and continued to walk down to the basement. 

She sat down on the cool bed, and stared up at the small window. She could see the sky darkening as the sun sank behind the horizon, and she hung her head low and stared at her wrist brace. She plugged in her phone and began to sift through all the unread notifications. She had some from Benji, some from her _Reddit_ , and one from Chloe.

_if you need to talk or anything this is my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx (chloe_beale.)_

Beca copied her number and pasted it into a new contact, but then the door opened and Aubrey came through with a blank face. “Hey,”

“Hi,”

“I see the trip to the mall didn’t go very well,”

“Yeah, no,” Beca laughed, darkly.

“They said you shoplifted, I mean, _shoplifting,_ Beca?” Aubrey spoke in a low voice as she closed the door, “Really?”

“I didn’t do it,” Beca’s voice became haughty and irritated.

“Well, I know you didn’t-“

“Do you?” Beca argued, with her palms turned up on her lap, and her eyebrows nearly touching her hairline.

“Look, my dad can’t have this kind of drama while he’s running for mayor, it’ll just mess up his image,”

“What about me, Aubrey?” Her voice was raised slightly, and her shoulders pitched up with the volume, “You didn’t even _text_ me, to see if I was okay, not a call, nothing. Did you even notice that my wrist is in a brace?” Aubrey sat on the bed next to her, and the both stared at the carpet, neither of them said another word.

“I’m sorry,” Aubrey’s voice was small, and shy. Beca could feel Aubrey gently lift her hand and kiss her wrist, over the brace she had on. She kissed her way up Beca’s shoulder, and Beca turned her face away from her. She was tired. Aubrey continued her ministrations, until she reached Beca’s neck. Her lips were cold and hesitant on her skin, Beca looked at her and Aubrey’s eyes were cast down. Aubrey turned her lips up and kissed her. Beca accepted, and kissed her back, “I’m sorry,”

“Me too,” Beca said into the kiss, as Aubrey laid her back onto the bed.

* * *

Beca leaned against Aubrey’s back, as she watched her put on her shoes. She wrapped the bedding around herself, as she kissed the back of Aubrey’s neck. Aubrey was stiff and her shoulders sat rigidly, and surprisingly so even after what they’d just done. Beca smoothed her hand over her shoulder all the way to her chest, where she could feel her heartbeat under her palm. She pressed her lips against the nape of Aubrey’s neck. “I…”

“Hm?” Beca hummed, as she continued to kiss Aubrey’s back.

“My… parents think you should stay here tonight, just until things die down.” Beca stopped, and she pulled back immediately, sitting against the cold pillows.

“Oh,” She answered. She stared at the back of Aubrey’s head, as the icy feeling in her chest grew back. Aubrey stood and turned to look at her (almost); her eyes were cast down, and bounced back and forth, from the headboard, and the floor.

“I’ll be back soon,” Aubrey’s voice sounded far off, islands away, “Love you,”

“Love you,” Beca whispered back, and watched Aubrey step out and close the door again. Beca felt… she wasn’t sure how she felt, but she covered herself with the comforter, feeling the cool material slide over her bare skin. She stood and turned the light on, unable to lay awake in a dark room. 

It was hard to pass the time, it ticked by ever so slowly, as if minutes lasted hours until the house was full again. Beca bored herself, scrolling through all of her social media, she closed her apps. She opened her contacts, and looked at the new number waiting to be saved. Beca typed in Chloe’s name and saved the number to her phone. She let her eyes linger on the call button for too long, and finally she pressed it. The phone only rang once, and Chloe answered with, “Hello, this is Dr. Beale,”

“Hey,” Beca breathed.

“Beca, hi,” She could hear Chloe shuffling around, “I didn’t think you’d call, how did it go?”

“Well, I _supposed_ to be going to a party, but instead I’m here,”

“Oof, that stinks,” Beca could hear the grimace on her face.

“Yep, anyways what are you doing?”

“Just in my hotel, I was gonna go get a drink,”

“Oh, I’ll let you go then-”

“No, no- w- I mean, do you want to come?” Beca smiled and sat up.

“Sure,”

“Cool,” Chloe replied, “I’ll be there soon,”

* * *

Beca sat at the bar, beside Chloe, nursing a gin and tonic. The music was low, and glass clinked, and Chloe sat in front of her telling her wild stories about her college days. “I would be out most of the night, do assignments really late, and then roll into class with a _Red Bull_ , and I passed every class with flying colors,”

“This deeply concerns me,” Beca frowned at her, jokingly, and swished her drink in her glass, “Should you even be treating people, let alone _children_?”

“Hey!” Chloe shoved her by her shoulder, “That was school, I take my residency very seriously,”

“Whatever you say, doctor.” Chloe laughed, and Beca could only watch the way her curls swayed as she shook her head, and the way her lips curved into a smile, as she held back her laughter. “So, what kind of music do you play?”

“I mostly focus on mixes, for when I play at clubs,” Beca nodded slowly and took a sip from her cup, “Like mashups, and stuff, but I’ll do mostly alternative music -- and low-fi too sometimes -- but it sounds a lot…” She tilted her head as she thought of adjectives to describe her music, “Sadder, like, the vibe, but also like actually, I guess.”

“Can I hear some?” Chloe asked brightly, her eyes wide with eagerness.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Beca pulled out her phone and started playing her song _Drugs_. 

“Nice,” Chloe chuckled a little, as she plucked the cherry out of her drink, “This is really good,”

“Thanks,” Beca nodded and ran a hand through her hair, “I could send you some more if you want,”

“Yeah, I’d love that, if you don’t mind,” Chloe nodded.

“Just a fair warning, they do get really depressing, I have a lot of trauma,” Beca laughed with a wide grin, only half joking. 

“Me too,” Chloe exclaimed excitedly, “Twinsies!” She patted her knee, and leaned back into the bar, “What’s the most traumatic thing that’s happened to you?”

“Oh, we’re getting deep huh?” Beca asked, with a smirk on her face.

“Oh, yeah,” Chloe nodded.

“Okay, well… my mom died a few years ago, and I saw my dad at the funeral after, like, eleven years,”

“Oh, so, not even your mom dying?” 

“Well, yeah that too, but my dad showing up was, like, the peak of the trauma,” Her sentence turned into laughter, and she folded over. Chloe’s face became red, and her eyes became glassy as they laughed.

“Man, that sounds like a doozy,”

“‘ _Doozy_ ’?” Beca laughed. Chloe shrugged and took an ice cube from her glass, “Anyways, what about you?”

“Okay, okay, so,” Chloe cleared her throat, “I was outed in the tenth grade, right? Well, my parents -- mostly my mom -- decided to send me to church camp, but it was to ‘straighten me out,’”

“Oh, not the Jesus camp, really?” Chloe nodded with her bottom lip trapped between her teeth.

“Yeah, and they thought it would be super smart to keep all the ‘lost’ girls in the same cabins, with each other, and no counselors in them.”

“Oh, god!” Beca groaned, with her hands dragging down her face, “How did they think that would help?”

“I don’t know, but I made them think they prayed the gay away, and they let me go home,”

“What did they even do there?” Beca asked in disgust.

“Mostly just condemn us, yell at us, preach hate -- the works,” Chloe waved the bartender over, and looked back at Beca with a big and shiny smile, “No hate like ‘Christian’ love,”

“Yup,” Beca crossed her leg over her knee, and nudged Chloe’s with her foot. A silence fell over them, and Beca stared at the melting ice in Chloe’s empty glass until the bartender slid the new one onto the bar. Beca cleared her throat, and adjusted the strap on her brace, as she began to speak, “How did you get outed?” Chloe looked at her, her eyes wide and her mouth hung open. Beca caught her off guard, and by the shift in her eyes, and the way she sat upright, Chloe hadn’t thought about what she might say.

“Oh,” Beca watched her eyes dart about, “Um,”

“You don’t have to tell me, Chlo,” Beca offered.

“No, no, it’s okay, I just-“ She cleared her throat, “What did Aubrey tell you about me, her, us?” 

“You secretly dated in high school, then broke up,” Beca nodded, as she spoke, rubbing the excess Velcro on her brace with her thumb, “Was there more?”

“Yeah… yeah, so,” Chloe continued, “We did date in secret, and we would write each other notes, stuff, but one of her friends found one,”

“Oh, shit,”

“Yeah, so, they asked her, and…” Chloe’s voice trailed off, and Beca waited for her to breathe again. Her shoulders tensed, and the veins in her neck grew bigger. “She’s the one who told, and she said I was just obsessed with her and stalking her, and everyone fucked with me. _Hard_.”

“I…” Beca closed her mouth and waited for Chloe to finish.

“The rest is kind of history, I mean you know how it went,” Beca shook her head in utter disbelief, she laid her hand over Chloe’s.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea,”

“It’s okay, it’s water under the bridge now,” Chloe turned her hand over and squeezed Beca’s, “But thanks, I appreciate it.” Beca offered a smile, and she drank the rest of her gin and tonic, feeling a buzz. She couldn’t believe Aubrey never told her that. She made it out to be some summer love that wasn’t meant to last, when she really just was too afraid of everyone else’s opinions. She’d rather step on someone else, to keep herself on top than ever possibly be at the bottom. That was a common theme Beca recognized and grew extremely uncomfortable with.

“Last call, guys,” The bartender said quietly. Beca glanced around, seeing that there were barely any other patrons anymore, and that it was so late that she should have been back hours ago. She looked at her phone, and saw one message, and one phone call from Aubrey. Beca didn’t have the strength to answer her. Not tonight.

“I guess I should get back,”

“It’s really late, why don’t you stay at my hotel?” 

“I don’t know…” Beca said nervously. She thought about the fact that Aubrey wasn’t aware that she and Chloe were friends, and she honestly wasn’t so sure how she might respond. In New York, Aubrey probably would have been fine — maybe just a little wary — but now that they’re in her hometown she’s almost completely different, and her response might not be very good.

“I could try to get you an _Uber_ , but I don’t think you’ll be able to get back in the house without setting off their security system.”

“Damn, I didn’t think about that,” Beca tightened the strap on her brace, and she mulled it over, “I could try to figure it out,”

“I can just take you back in the morning, but I really don’t think that you’ll be able to get in tonight,”

“Right,” Beca nodded, “Okay, let’s go,”

* * *

Beca stared out of the window of Chloe’s hotel room. She laid on the couch in front of the bed, wrapped in an extra blanket, with her phone pressed between the pillow and her hand. It was light enough that she could see, and the moon came through behind a cloud, casting shadows on the walls. She didn’t want to believe what Chloe told her about Aubrey, but they’ve only been here for two days (going on three) and there was already so much to unpack that it didn’t seem far fetched. “Becs? Are you awake?” Chloe whispered.

“Yeah,” Beca whispered back, “Why are you whispering?” Beca sat up on the couch to look at her.

“Because I didn’t want to wake you up if you were sleeping, why are you whispering?”

“Because you were,” Beca said, still whispering even though they didn’t have to. Chloe laughed, and Beca laughed too. Her eyes were iridescent in the moonlight, the blue glowed brighter at night. Beca lifted her hand to scratch the back of her head, “What’s up?”

“I…” Chloe chewed her lip, and shook her head, “Nothing, nevermind,”

“Come on, just tell me,” Beca said gently.

“You and Aubrey are together, right?” Beca nodded, knowing Chloe wasn’t someone to be careful of, “I just… she’s not easily intimidated, or scared, but she is afraid,”

“Of what?”

“Herself,” Chloe looked down at the bedding, and then back at Beca through her long eyelashes, “I have never met somebody so afraid of who they are,” Chloe sighed, and looked out the balcony, “Try not to let it… destroy you,” _How much more could be destroyed,_ Beca thought.

“Thanks,” Chloe nodded, with a sad smile, she laid back on the bed, and Beca laid back on the couch.

“Goodnight, Beca,”

“Night, Chloe,”

“Night,” Beca smiled wide, and shook her head.

“Goodnight,” she let the moonlight wash over her, as the sound of Chloe’s snores filled the room. She spent so long wondering if everyone felt this tired and breathless in their relationships, frightened by the terrible realization that she followed Aubrey wherever she went, that they hadn’t been compromising the entire time.

Beca wasn’t sure when she’d fallen asleep, but as she stood on the balcony of Chloe’s hotel room, she thought of everything she knew and questioned it. She felt crazy, absolutely insane, and she couldn’t tell if anything that ever happened between her and Aubrey was genuine. The crisp air gave her goosebumps, and she stood shivering slightly because she’d left her jean jacket in Chloe’s car —that was still parked in front of the bar. Her deep green, short sleeve tee did nothing to fight the cold, her wrist ached, and her ibuprofen was at Aubrey’s house, still in the paper bag from the pharmacy. She was tired, sore, and confused about everything, but mostly she just wanted coffee. “What the hell are you doing out here?” Chloe asked, her breath making fog as she spoke.

“Just thinking?”

“Aren’t you cold?” Chloe stood behind her, rubbing her hands together.

“Nope,” Beca said, even though her teeth were chattering, “It’s kind of nice, in an abrasive kind of way,” Beca turned to face her completely, but she was gone. She put her elbows on the railing and looked over the street. She heard Chloe come back, her shoes thudding softly as she crossed the threshold. “Where’d you go?”

“Here,” Chloe handed her a gray pullover hoodie, with a small Barden University crest. Beca looked at her with wide eyes and she cleared her throat.

“No, no,” Beca argued, pushing the hoodie back toward her, “You can’t give this to me,”

“Why not?” 

“It’s your college hoodie,”

“So?” Chloe smirked at her, “You’re gonna catch a cold, and your wrist is gonna be stiff,” Beca stared her down and huffed, in annoyance.

“Fine,” She begrudgingly took the garment from her, and pulled it down over her head, “Can we please get coffee before I go?” The hoodie fell past her hips, and the sleeves came up just short of her fingertips.

“Yeah, and you look _so_ cute by the way,”

“Shush,”

* * *

“Here, I have my jacket now,” Beca began to take off the hoodie Chloe gave her.

“Go ahead and take it, I can get it another time,” Chloe mumbled, as she reapplied her lip balm. 

“Thanks,” Beca pulled it back down, and tugged her jean jacket over it, “Hey, did you maybe want to hang out again?”

“Really?” Chloe pushed the visor back up and looked at Beca, with a surprised, open-mouthed smile.

“Yeah, we can, like, do whatever, I don’t know,” Beca started to blush.

“Yeah, sure,”

“Cool,” Beca unbuckled herself, and opened the car door, “And thanks again,”

“Yeah, no problem,”

“Bye,” Beca closed her car door, and walked up the steps. She wiped her feet on the mat, and pushed the front door open. The house was awake, and everyone was up, walking with purpose. The kids giggled from somewhere, and a timer beeped in the kitchen. Beca drank her coffee as she walked further inside.

“Beca, good morning,” Gail said, cordially. Beca nodded at her.

“Good morning, ma’am,” 

“Hey, mom, do you know if we have any more index cards?” Aubrey stepped into the kitchen, and stood next to Beca at the counter. Beca just looked at her, unable to imagine anything other than the way she left her in a dark room after having her way with her. It stung. Beca watched her, and she teared up, thinking about everything and nothing. Suddenly, she was brought out of her head by Aubrey’s slender fingers tugging at the hem of Chloe’s hoodie, “Is this new? Looks good, I like it,” her voice gave away nothing. Nothing. She didn’t notice, and no, that wasn’t the goal, but she didn’t notice. Didn’t ask where she’d even been all night. Beca let a single tear slip out.

“Thanks.”

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> love it? hate it? somewhere in between? let me know?
> 
> btw what's your fav christmas song if you celebrate? (if you don't, what's your favorite food during winter?)


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